i'm at my life's biggest crossroads and feel overwhelmed
how is it the biggest? because it completely dictates my future trajectory. i'm writing this having learned so much about a world i'm dream about, yet i feel like some invisible hand is holding me back. i literally think it's a matter of agency. i just have to take the leap. and if i don't? i'll end up regretting not taking this jump. it's almost like i have to take this jump. it's too late, i already see and am surrounded by people that i'd be if i don't make this decision.
i'm scared. i'm scared of the uncertainty, even though i know i'll be fine. i lead a life with many priveliges, and i know i'll be fine. it still bothers me. i've told so many people in my life: "jump, and the net will appear", yet i'm the one shocked still right here, right now. i just know that if i don't start, i'll be worse off. i'll be where i was 2 minutes ago. that doesn't sound bad, until you stretch that to a years timeframe. i've never looked back in my life and seriously though, "wow, i'm the same self i was x years ago". my life so far has been a 0->0.9 progress. not 0->1, because if i was 1, i'd feel ready. i guess nobody ever feels ready, right? i just have to imagine i'm 1, so i can accelerate to 1000.
there's no calm, soothing conclusive feeling to this right now, but i hope i'm able to look back at this one day and laugh at my past self.